The Holiday Hustle: How do I keep my child regulated?

During a season where we are all a little more stretched than usual, I’ve been trying hard to be present and stay grounded for my children. Mostly I’ve been trying not to lose my calm. Really trying. So hard. But the reality is that my son’s anxiety means he anticipates every new thing — which is EVERYTHING this time of year.

He’s beside my bed asking me questions before the sun comes up and he keeps going all day long. I know this is his way of keeping himself grounded. But he’s anxious and I’m  struggling to keep my annoyance with his questions at bay while also making lists, attending events, organizing get-together, and buying presents. How do I keep my child (and myself) regulated during the holidays? 

What is self-regulation, anyway?

Dr. Stuart Shanker wrote that self regulation is the “brain-body responses to stress.” In other words, self-regulation is the ability to remain calm when experiencing stress.

Stressors take many shapes and forms. A stressor might be…

• Lights that are too bright, or one bulb flickering in the corner of the room

• Putting your child on the school bus for the first time

• Getting on the school bus for the first time

• Worrying if you have enough money for groceries

• Not being able to stop thinking about an itchy tag on your skin

• Entering a playground with fast-moving children

  We all have stressors. They range from emotional to physical. But how do we deal with these stressors? It is in these moments of stress that we have the opportunity to learn to remain calm and focused; to remain self regulated and move forward. How can we help our children to learn this important skill?

  Three “Simple” Steps to Self-Regulation

  As you know, being a parent can be stressful. Add to that stress a child that is struggling with self-regulation in the form of tantrums, meltdowns, or aggressive behaviors, and then try to keep your calm. Here are 3 questions that guide me in my self-regulation journey. Try these on for yourself.

  Step 1. What Does Your Child Need to be Their Calm Self?

  We all have likes and dislikes. Some babies crave car rides to bring them sleep while others scream endlessly when buckled into the car seat. As we grow and have more experiences, we begin to better identify what helps us find calm. Some of these are universal (we all need to eat and sleep) and some are unique for each of us (some of us love touch or bear hugs and some of us do not).

  Question to ask yourself: Can you list 5 things that help your child to find calm?

  Step 2. What Do You Need to be Your Calm Self? 

  I know if I don’t sleep enough, if I don’t exercise, or if I’m distracted emotionally, I am more likely to reach my tipping point sooner. Knowing these things about myself helps me to recognize why I may be feeling or behaving in a certain way. It also helps me to be as regulated as possible by building the things I need into my everyday.When I face stress, as we all do, I seek a walk outside, a minute in my room with the door closed, a sit on my kitchen floor, a text exchange, or conversation with a friend—a hug, time to write, and on and on. These lists will look different for all of us. Read about what how another parent keeps calm here.

  Question to ask yourself: What’s on your list? What do you need to regulate yourself?

  Step 3. How Can I Help My Child Self-Regulate?

  Trying to understand my child’s experience helps me to better understand his behavior. This makes me more likely to express empathy and support instead of frustration and confusion. In other words, this helps me to be more regulated.When I am calm, I can help regulate my son. I can support him by offering what I know he needs to feel calm (see Step 1 above). When my son experiences this feeling of regulation over and over again, he begins to understand what it means to regulate on his own; he begins to understand self-regulation.Questions to ask yourself:

  • Is he physically comfortable? (basic needs such as diet, sleep, exercise, or a need to go to the bathroom)

  • Is he feeling emotions that he can’t express? (Is his lashing out because he’s nervous about a new classroom?)

  • Is he facing a challenge that isn’t obvious? (physical or cognitive)

   Simple? Not exactly.Worth it? Absolutely.

  *Stuart Shanker and his team have developed useful Self Reg® tools for parents, found here.

  Learn more:

  Better parenting using self-regulation

  What is self regulation and how can it help me be a better parent?

  How can co-regulation help my child’s behavior? Strategies for parenting children with disabilities.