Each of the 50 states have established laws that require students to attend school. The minimum and maximum age requirements are different, but each state requires parents to ensure their children receive the free education that must be provided by law.
Being the parent of a child who refuses to go to school can seem like a nightmare. Whether it’s a tantrum, crying, silent resistance, or more aggressive behavior, when a child refuses to go to school it can leave parents feeling hopeless and helpless.
Despite their best efforts to encourage, motivate, discipline, or even seek professional help, when parents face continued refusal it can lead to feelings of failure and self-doubt. Watching a child struggle emotionally while refusing to attend school can be heartbreaking, and the lack of immediate solutions can make parents feel powerless.
In addition, it hurts the students’ academic and social development. “School refusal” is not just skipping a day of school here and there. It is a repeated pattern of absences that leads to poor grades and truancy issues when a student misses at least 10 percent of their school days for the year.
Continue reading to learn how schools can help parents address the problem of school refusal with compassion, while eliminating blame.
Reasons Why a Child May Refuse to Go to School
Over the years, especially since COVID, school refusal has become a big problem in the United States. In order to resolve issues of school refusal, we must first try to understand some of the reasons why a child may refuse to go to school. Children are not born with the desire to refuse school and many often love attending school and being around their peers in their younger years.
Many children begin their early years of school with excitement and joy. They may see school as a fun and safe environment where they can make new friends and learn new things. However, as they grow older, some children may have experiences that leave them with issues that change their attitude toward school. They may begin to see school as a place that is overwhelming or threatening which can lead to them refusing to attend.
When children refuse to attend school it can often be a sign of other issues such as stress, anxiety, fear, social concerns, academic difficulty, or other issues. For students with disabilities, any academic frustrations, fear, and anxiety can seem even more overwhelming.
It is important to talk to students to try and understand why they refuse to attend school. A student can be the strongest voice and the best person to express their thoughts, feelings, and personal experiences to explain why they refuse to go to school.
In order for students to feel comfortable enough to express their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, there has to be open and compassionate communication. Without communication, their reasons for not wanting to attend school can be misunderstood and the problem can possibly become worse. Proper communication creates a system of support that can lead to positive changes to a behavior that can cause many problems.
School refusal is a behavior that is often a sign of deeper emotional, social, or academic struggles that needs to be addressed. Establishing open and compassionate communication can help to build trust and create a safe space for students to express what they are going through.
Once the reasons are discovered, you can take the proper steps to address the issues and improve attendance. This will, in turn, improve academic and social growth, and emotional well-being.
How to Talk to Parents Without Making Them Feel at Fault
The way school personnel respond to school refusal can either improve the situation and help parents feel supported, or it can make the situation worse and make parents feel like they are to blame. In a survey of 463 special education directors, 98% reported relationships with families as positive, but 45% reported an increase in conflicts with parents. Handling school refusal properly can decrease, or eliminate, conflict between the school and parents.
When schools notice a student has developed a pattern of refusing to attend school, they must address the issue. The school’s role here is important, but they must do this with concern and compassion. This is especially important when it involves a student with a disability. A child may refuse to go to school for many reasons. Instead of assuming parents are to blame, it is important for schools to understand there are a variety of academic, emotional, and environmental factors that could be the cause. Those factors can be even more difficult for students with disabilities.
Address the situation by asking questions to further understand the student’s home life, the disability, and habits the student may display at home. Do not make parents feel like they are to blame. In this way, schools can help parents feel supported and more willing to work together, collaborate, and come up with solutions that work for everyone.
Share Resources and Information
In addition to addressing the issues with concern and compassion, schools can provide information to parents. Parents may often feel frustrated and confused, and struggle to understand why their child refuses to go to school. Have resources on hand to help them understand the many possible reasons for school refusal. Here are some to try:
- School Avoidance Alliance
- Understanding School Refusal Podcast Series
- School Refusal & Anxiety in Children and Teenagers (And Crisis Text Line)
It’s especially important to understand how a disability can impact a child’s desire to attend school, or not. Schools could provide parent workshops, informational pamphlets, and information about outside agencies and resources. Providing information and resources to educate parents can help them feel empowered while also strengthening collaboration and relationships between school and home. It’s also helpful for school staff and parents to learn how to communicate about the student’s needs, and work together on issues like this. It seems obvious, but it’s not always the norm.
Strategies to Help Improve Student Attendance
Establish Clear Expectations with Care
It is important to let children know that attending school is not optional. While explaining that, it is important to balance the information with care and understanding. Let them know you understand their feelings while also explaining the importance of education and school attendance. When explaining this to students with disabilities, you may need added resources and information such as an outline of the students life goals. In some cases, the IEP team may consider adding an IEP behavior goal to address school refusal.
Having resources and information available can help students understand how school attendance impacts their personal goals, dreams, and future aspirations. When they understand how attending school can impact their choice in career and future lifestyle it could increase their level of motivation. Students may then see school as a place of purpose that can help them accomplish something they care about so they can live the life they hope to live.
Some ways to balance the information with care and understanding:
- Explain how attending school improves learning and social skills, helps develop friendships, and helps them to achieve future goals.
- Make it clear that you hear them and understand their feelings and concerns.
- Try not to immediately threaten with punishments because that can make the situation worse. Instead, try implementing a system to provide a reward when there is improvement.
- Establish clear expectations while showing your willingness to support them.
Establish a Regular Morning Routine
Routines and procedures can create a sense of predictability, safety, and control. When students know what to expect, it reduces anxiety so they do not feel emotional and overwhelmed. Regular and consistent routines can build habits that make the process of preparing for school feel more manageable and less negotiable. Regular routines can also provide structure that supports emotional regulation. Instead of feeling like a daunting task, preparing for school can actually feel like a regular routine.
Start the day with a clear and predictable routine and limited distractions. For example: waking up at the same time each morning, taking care of personal hygiene, getting dressed, and going to the bus stop or driving to school. For children with disabilities, it can be helpful to include a visual schedule or checklists. Routines and procedures can make transitions smoother and reduce resistance to preparing for school.
A few ways to implement routines:
- Establish a clear wake-up time that is the same each school day
- Prepare school clothes, lunches, and backpacks the night before to reduce morning stress.
- Use visual schedules or picture charts for younger children or children with disabilities to outline the morning steps.
- Limit distractions by not turning on the TV or video games in the morning.
- Play soft music in the morning to keep the atmosphere calm and encouraging
Maintain Regular Communication with the School
When a child refuses to attend school, it is important that the family stay in touch with the teachers, counselors, and school administrators regularly. Regular communication and collaboration helps to develop–and maintain–a strong parent-school partnership. This is an important way to identify and address challenges and can improve school attendance.
For children with disabilities, be sure the school is providing IEP services and accommodations. If school refusal issues are critical, the IEP team may consider added classroom support, a classroom buddy, or even implementing a partial-day, to help make the environment more manageable.
A partial-day schedule can help students gradually build stamina and confidence by easing them into the school day. This may be considered if the IEP team decides it is necessary to address the needs of the student’s disability. A partial-day schedule must be documented in the IEP.
A trusted classroom buddy can provide a student with help developing social connections, reduce feelings of isolation, and provide a model of positive social behaviors. Added classroom support, such as a paraprofessional, can address the student’s unique needs to help make it easier for them to engage and participate.
Some ways to develop a strong relationship between the home and school:
- Request regular meetings with teachers, school counselors, and administrators to stay updated. This will let you keep tabs on your child’s progress in all areas, and how comfortable they seem during the school day.
- Inform the teacher of any situations at home that may affect your child’s day. (Ex. poor night of sleep, parent out of town, etc.)
- Advocate for your child and request amendments to the IEP, as needed, to address specific challenges. (Ex: Frequent breaks or preferential seating.)
- Consider flexible options such as a temporary modified day to allow for gradual entry or re-entry into the school day, or even virtual learning if it is available and appropriate.
- Stay informed about school attendance policies and resources, such as truancy officers and local court policies.
- Maintain open communication with your child to make sure they feel supported by people at school and home.
Use Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement has been shown to be a powerful tool in improving school attendance. Children love to be praised and they especially love to be rewarded. When small wins are celebrated, children become motivated to improve their habits.
By celebrating even the smallest wins, such as being ready for school on time or making it to class on time, it helps build a sense of accomplishment and makes students feel like their effort matters. When they feel accomplished and that their effort matters, they become willing to try again. Celebrating small wins also helps everyone focus on what the student is doing right instead of what the student is not doing.
Some ways to implement positive reinforcement:
- Praise your child for the small things like getting up on time, or getting dressed and prepared to leave for school on time.
- Develop a tracking and reward system such as giving privileges or points that can be traded for prizes like after-school visits to McDonalds or extra time playing video games.
- Choose rewards that are age-appropriate and align to the interests of your child.
- Reward effort, even if it is not perfect.
- Try to avoid giving punishment for non-attendance because it can make the situation worse.
Address Anxiety or Emotional Concerns
Many children refuse to go to school because of separation or social anxiety. Taking the steps to address anxiety can significantly reduce school refusal. Social anxiety can be addressed by talking about the reasons for it. There are also techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or visualization exercises to help manage the increased stress that leads to anxiety. If the anxiety is very severe, you may need help from a mental health professional. For students with disabilities, be sure to include this kind of support and services in the IEP.
Support and services to address anxiety for students with disabilities may include collaboration or services from a counselor, and developing a crisis plan, behavior support services, or other services the IEP team believe are needed to support the student. By including such services in the IEP, the student’s needs are addressed and the student receives consistent support to help manage their anxiety. This can allow the student to feel comfortable entering the school environment feeling safe and supported.
Some ways to address anxiety and emotional concerns:
- Teach various relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, muscle relaxation, tapping or visualization to decrease stress.
- Practice role-playing scenarios to prepare for handling stressful or challenging situations like answering a question in class.
- Create affirmations and read them each morning to build self confidence.
- “Anxiety does not control me.”
- “I love to learn new things at school.”
- “I am proud of myself for trying my best.”
- “I am not alone because my family, teachers, and friends support me”
- Be sure any supports and services in the IEP are being done properly and consistently.
- Seek professional help for severe anxiety.
Provide Social Support
When students feel lonely or socially challenged, school can feel overwhelming. Those overwhelming feelings can lead to them refusing to go. During those times, it’s important to give them social support and help them build peer relationships. Encourage students to participate in social activities at school and in the community to develop friendships and connect with their peers.
For children with disabilities, peer mentoring or inclusive programs can help them develop meaningful connections and decrease feelings of isolation. When you help students find ways to strengthen their connections with others, they may feel less intimidated and more willing to attend school.
When students feel more connected and less intimidated it decreases feelings of isolation. Feeling less isolated gives students the courage to engage with others and develop meaningful relationships. Those relationships give students a sense of belonging which helps them feel seen, valued, and accepted. Feeling like they belong can motivate students to attend school.
Some ways to provide social support and help build peer relations:
- Encourage students to participate in extracurricular activities–both in and outside of school–to build friendships and establish interests.
- Arrange playdates after school or weekend get-togethers to help strengthen peer relationships.
- For children with disabilities, explore peer mentoring or inclusion programs that promote connection and relationship-building.
- Help children develop social skills using social stories, modeling, and guided practice.
- Discuss conflicts that can arise in friendships and strategies to resolve them.
Additional Supports and Services
If school refusal persists, reach out for more help. Many schools offer attendance intervention programs or resources like family liaisons to help guide parents through this. For children with disabilities, use support networks such as special education organizations, services, and local parent groups. Many of them can provide information, resources, and strategies that are specific to each child’s individual situation.
The important thing to remember is that no one is alone when it comes to dealing with issues of school refusal. Many families are dealing with this complicated issue and do not know what to do. The good news is there are many resources that can help. (See above.)
How Parents Can Get More Help:
- Contact the school’s special education team, school counselor, or psychologist for specialized support and assistance.
- Join local support groups for families of children who refuse to attend school.
- Join local or online support groups for families of children with disabilities.
- Take advantage of community resources like family therapy, attendance intervention programs, workshops, advocacy groups, or webinars.
- Read literature, books, articles, and online resources about the topic.
Finding special programs and joining support networks can go a long way to help parents address the issues when a child refuses to go to school.
This should not be only on the parents’ shoulders. There is also a lot that schools can do to help empower children to re-engage with their peers and their education.
Some Ways Schools Can Help:
- Build trust with parents
- Implement research-based strategies that have been proven to work
- Foster a sense of compassion and belonging
- Remain non-judgmental
Addressing school refusal can be difficult for school personnel and parents, especially when there are learning or other disabilities involved. However, with good collaboration between school staff, families and other agencies as needed, we can help children overcome the anxiety and thrive academically and socially in the school environment.
By working together, schools and parents can establish the support systems needed to ensure every child attends school and succeeds.
To learn more ways schools can build trust with families, read my blog Working with parents of students of disabilities: 4 ways for schools to earn families’ trust
~ Written by Pamela White, ED.S